Sunday, May 16, 2010

Which monologue?

From "What Theo Did", by Debra Neff

Well, ya know, me and all my friends were just kinda hangin' out, ya know. A Friday night in May when it's warm out and all. So I look across the street and I see my friend Theo. And my friend Melody and me both go at the same time, "Yo, Theo!" And then we started laughin' 'cause it was like funny, ya know.

So Theo comes over and he's all like "Hey, Nickey, hey, Mel, what's up?" And I mean that was pretty nasty of him 'cause his girlfriend was like there, too, and he just kind of, you know, ignored her, ya know. So that was pretty nasty of him. But Jenny said she didn't care.

Anyway, we go, "Not much, we're just kinda hangin' out, ya know." So Theo goes, "Well, I heard of a pretty good party across town. "You wanna like crash?" And we thought that sounded pretty, ya know, killer. So there we were hangin' out at this party when we see this guy and Jenny goes, "Yo, that's Steven. I slept with him once." Well, I don't know if she did or not. I think she just wanted to get Theo mad 'cause he was like ignoring her, ya know. So she goes, "Yo, Steven." And Steven comes over and he's all, "Yo, Jen, what's up?" And that just about killed Theo 'cause he told us about this party and there's his girl talkin' to another guy. So Theo goes to me, "Yo, this is like pissing me off." And I go, "Yo, well, Theo, you're ignoring her and it's nasty." So he goes, "Yo, you're right." And he goes over and starts talkin' to Jen. So they're like talkin', right? And then they start to like argue, and the argument got louder and louder. But I wasn't listening or anything.

Then all of a sudden Steve goes, "Gaugh!", ya know, and his eyes like bug out, and his face turns all purple, and then he like falls to the floor with somebody's knife in his back. It was horrible! And I was all like screaming, ya know, so they like dragged me away and sat me down. And all these cops came over and they were like, "Yo, you gotta testify." So you got me here in your dumb courtroom and I told you the story as well as I could, but I just don't know what happened so stop harshing on me! I don't know what Theo did.


From "Laughing Wild", by Christopher Durang

The other night I dreamt my father was inside a baked potato. Isn't that strange? I was very startled to see him there, and I started to be afraid other people would see where my father was, and how small he was, so I kept trying to close the baked potato, but I guess the potato was hot, cause he'd start to cry when I'd shut the baked potato, so then I didn't know what to do. I thought of sending the whole plate back to the kitchen -- tell the cook there's a person in my baked potato -- but then I felt such guilt at deserting my father that I just sat there at the table and cried. He cried too. Then the waiter brought dessert, which was devil's food cake with mocha icing, and I ate that. Then I woke up, very hungry. I told my therapist about the dream, and he said that the baked potato represented either the womb or where I tried to put my father during the Oedipal conflict -- "what Oedipal conflict?", I always say to him, "I won, hands down." And then my therapist said my father cried because he was unhappy, and that I dreamt about the cake because I was hungry. I think my therapist is an idiot. Maybe I should just have gurus. Or find a nutritionist. But what I'm doing now isn't working.


Or any other suggestions?